Life on The River Bottom

Back in the good ol' days, it was thought the troublesome trash and general waste of private ponds and lakes could be controlled by a magical new product: the Asian carp --a bottom-dwelling, trash compactor of a fish that is the ugliest fucking thing on the planet and likes to jump out of the water so it can punch you in the face. This "new" product had actually been around for millions of years, and in the hopes they might act like a benevolent army of aquatic garbagemen, they were peacefully released into private waters to make the world a happier, cleaner place. Kumbaya.

And then those private waters flooded because that's what waters do. For brief moments, those private waters were temporary addendums to the less-private bodies of water, one of which was the Illinois River. The carp were enthusiastic about moving into larger neighborhoods with much better schools. Which they did.

When everyone noticed the world ceasing to be much happier in the months and years following, it was thought to be wise to check up to see if things were actually getting any cleaner either. The answer was yes, but not because someone had vacuumed the carpet, but because someone ate the carpet so it never needed cleaning ever again. The Asian carp had arrived. And as the famous movie The Monster That Ate Everybody would tell us, they didn't just eat Patrick and Erica. They. Ate. Everybody.

So that was that. The river belonged to them; it still belongs to them. Like the raccoons of Pawnee, IN, we haven't been able to take back what was conquered by the local fauna, so we named a fantasy baseball team after them instead. And that is what Life on The River Bottom is all about --living and breathing all things Illinois River Carp. And life. And baseball. And life and baseball.

Go Carp!